15 minutes and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

My mother sometimes says, “You can do anything for 15 minutes.”  It’s good advice.  And, it not only helps me, but it often helps my clients too.

What she means is that when you are faced with a daunting task or challenge, just take a little bite out of it by doing it for 15 minutes.  “You can do anything for 15 minutes.”  You can hold onto a rope, you can vacuum, you can start filling in those divorce financial statements … for 15 minutes.  Wise people know is that the fear and the head games are almost always bigger than the task, and that, once you’ve started the task, an hour will have gone by without you even realizing it.  Most o f the time that’s what happens, but occassionally, you can really only do 15 minutes at a time.  That’s okay too, because you’re whittling away at the task – 15 minutes at a time.

Divorce motions and divorce financial statements (known in NJ as “Case Information Statement” or “CIS”) can be especially burdensome and intimidating.  I can think of no better instigator of procrastination in the divorce world than these two tasks.

I’ve made an addendum to my mother’s advice (which I think was most often applied to cleaning our rooms – especially mine which was often piled high with books, artwork, puzzles and projects) – a pint of your favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.  (Mine happens to be Toffee Health Bar Crunch.)  The key is, though, that you can not have the ice cream until after the 15 minutes of (previously dreaded) divorce work is accomplished.

There now.  Don’t you feel better?  You actually won’t need to procrastinate responding to that divorce motion or filling out that divorce financial statement until the day before the due date.  You can actually enjoy your life for the next week while working your way through the divorce paperwork in 15 minute increments with the aid of your favorite pints of Ben & Jerry’s.  So, okay, maybe you will gain a couple pounds, but you’ll feel much better mentally and emotionally that the divorce paperwork is actually getting done.

If you’re looking for a trifecta, add your favorite old movie playing in the background.  Mine is Casablanca.  The world is better when Casablanca is playing.  Somewhere, deep down, I think it triggers a thought like “If Rick can put Ilsa on the plane, then I jot down a few words and numbers on a page.”  And, before I know it, I’m attacking the paperwork with the same passion that Rick returns to fighting for the underdog.

 

Temporary Restraining Orders and Mentally Ill Spouses

I find that about 90% to 95% of (domestic violence) Temporary Restraining Orders (as they’re called in NJ) are really about either (a) one spouse not knowing how to respond differently to the other spouse’s angry or controlling nature, or (b) one spouse intentionally or unintentionally wanting to take control of the divorce, the house and/or the children.  Unfortunately, this large portion of the population detract from the real domestic violence cases.

However, about 5% to 10% of the cases are about true domestic violence.  True domestic violence is often physical, but sometimes, it is simply the result of untreated mental illness that has caused the others in the home to become so debilitated, so helpless, so ridiculed, that the mental illness has complete and destructive control over the home and everyone in it.  Abusive mentally ill people are often extremely manipulative, controlling and scary.

Sometimes, because judges are so inundated with the emotional issues and divorce strategies of the 90% of restraining orders, they have trouble recognizing the real thing when they see it.  If you are being physically assaulted or have been living under abuse and manipulation as a result of your spouse’s mental illness, and you’ve asked for a restraining order but it was denied, get an attorney to help you. 

I just helped someone with this.  She would’ve crumbled within the first ten minutes of the court clerk’s intake process.  There was alot of information to convey and it needed to be explained in a succinct, coherent way.  You’ll quickly find that living with a manipulative, scary mentally ill person for 10 years will turn your brain into a rambling mush.  Thus, the attorney can talk to the court in a way that personnel and the judge is expecting.

Be especially careful of people getting divorced who don’t believe that they have anything left to live for.  This can happen at the beginning of a divorce, but more often, it happens at the end.  For instance, what does a mentally ill person do when faced with the reality of having his/her mental illness and dark secrets exposed? and the need for treatment for a mental illness that he/she is in denial about?  and the burden of a court-order that requires that treatment in order to be with the children in any real way?  Well, they’ll often lash out.  And, after that, they can and have done what others have done when they feel that there’s no way out and nothing left to live for.  When a person gets to that place, he/she is very dangerous.

If this describes your spouse, get help and get it now.  No, you won’t be able to talk them into calming down.  (Remember, that never worked in the past and it’s definitely not going to work now.)  No, you won’t be able to convince them to be reasonable.  And, no, you won’t be able to stop them from doing something stupid or dangerous. 

But, you can take actions to help protect yourself and the children.  That action is NOT trying to talk to your spouse more, or getting into an argument with your mentally ill spouse.  Your needed action is for you to talk to a divorce attorney and get an attorney’s help, if you need it, to get a restraining order.  If your mentally ill spouse becomes open to getting help and working out a solution, that can always happen later, while you have certain protections in place.

 

It’s OUR House

In NJ, the marital residence is “OURS” – when it comes to arguing about possession of the house, and generally, when it comes to arguing over the house’s value too, regardless of whose name is on the Deed.

Don’t let anyone lock you out of your house – especially if you have children.  Your spouse doesn’t have a right to lock you out.  Go to the Police Department and have them escort you to your house.  Tell them that it’s the marital home, that you’re going through a separation or divorce, and that there’s NO Court Order keeping you out of the house.  Have them explain to your spouse that you’re allowed to live there too!

Now, are there times when it IS in your best interests to leave or to stay out of the house?  ABSOLUTELY!  For example, if you are going to get back into your house just so that your spouse will lie and file false domestic violence allegations against you, then it might be wise to consider all of your options.  That’s just one example.  There are lots of other times.  I advise my clients on how they should handle difficult living situations all the time.

But, I’m not writing this blog post for those other times, I’m writing this for all of those people who show up to their home and find the doors locked, and have no money, no stuff, no access to their children and think about going to stay with far-away relatives.  They think that way because they don’t realize that they can go to the Police and demand that they be let back in to their home.

Why do they not realize this right and this resource?  Usually, because their spouse has behaved in such a way that they actually believe their spouse when he/she says “Get Out!”  They have little self-confidence and little confrontation skills.  They have been responding the same way throughout the marriage and they’re not going to change now.  They’re intimidated and overwhelmed.

I saw this happen in another case at court recently.  One of the parties was trying desperately to get the judge to tell them what to do, but of course, the judge couldn’t give out legal advice, and the judge was there to decide a completely different issue, and thus, could not address the issue of who gets possession of the house.  Now, THAT would have been a PERFECT opportunity for the judge to PONTIFICATE in a general way (which they often do) about how the marital home is open to both parties (if there’s no court order saying differently).  But, did the judge do that?  Heck no.  Didn’t occur to him.

As it happens so often, some of the biggest problems in a divorce are really related to an error in perception, judgment, self-confidence, human dynamics – and very little to do with the law.  Put a different spouse (say, me) in that crying person’s shoes, and that different spouse would have had the Police at the house in less than 3 minutes.  But then again, the offending spouse would have never tried to lockout someone with that self-confidence.

So, your lesson here – Get self-confidence and practice it (without getting obnoxiously prideful).  Start making decisions from a centered, grounded place, rather than from the emotion-of-the-day.  Especially be on the look out for making decisions while experiencing a feeling that you often experienced during a dysfunctional dynamic of the marriage.  That’s a big red flag that you’re not thinking straight – and that you’re on the verge of a Really Bad Decision.

 

Labor Day Weekend & Divorce

Labor Day ushers in a huge rush of activity into normal American lifestyle. 

Children go back to school.  New clothes and school supplies get bought.  Schedules get made.  Books are covered.  Calendars are organized.  Sports teams, clubs, youth groups get assembled.  Open-house dates are booked.  Music and dance lessons are scheduled, and future rehearsal and recital dates are entered into the calendar.  New deadlines, start dates, and weekly commitments come pouring in, along with a firm resolution to remember to breathe and take time for yourself.

In America, Labor Day marks the end of the unofficially approved respite from constant work and responsibility, and the commencement of another tens months of dutiful, productive activity.  Thus, I believe, more decision-making and goal-setting happens at Labor Day than January 1st.  In September, everyone cranks up the pace several notches.

In divorce world, this means two things:

1. The September court calendar is packed as the divorce judges seek to have all open divorce cases return to court front-and-center to see what can get settled.
2. Lots of people finally get around to hiring divorce lawyers to start the divorce process for the divorce decision that they made sometime between June and August.

If you’re in that category, here are a few hints:

1. Write down all of your questions.
2. Read “Shark Bait: What Every Divorce Rookies Needs to Know” so you’ll know as much as possible going into the process.  It’s easy reading & will take less than 1 hour.  Using 1 hour of your time wisely now could save you 10 hours of attorney fees later (that’s over $2,500.00 on average!)
3. Know that a divorce is usually a 9 months – 24 months process, regardless of whether that fits your time frame; it can be different, but not usually without making other sacrifices that you probably don’t want to make.  Adjust your expectations to resolving this by next summer – you’ll end up a lot happier that way.
4. Know that your hurt feelings and resentment from the marriage will not be addressed in the divorce process, settlement or trial.
5. See a therapist, get connected with your spiritual community, read/listen to a lot of spiritual and self-help books/CDs.
6. Rent a good comedy and get the popcorn ready.

 

Selling your house for a Short Sale

  Do yourself a favor.

If you own a house, and if your house only has a little bit (or no) equity in it, then before you hire your divorce attorney, ask the divorce attorney if he/she knows what a Short Sale is.  Don’t take “yes” or “no” for an answer – have the divorce attorney explain it to you.

Why?  Because divorce attorneys should know what a Short Sale is, but not all do.

One such clueless attorney evidenced such stupidity to me today, “Well, okay, we can list the house for sale and do a Short Sale as long as it doesn’t affect my client’s credit report.”  Who are these people who refuse to educate themselves?

In case you’re wondering, let me explain what a Short Sale is:

• Let’s say that you owe $350,000.00 on your mortgage.
• Let’s say that you’re getting divorced and you and your future-ex-spouse have decided to sell the house (probably because neither of you can afford the house on your own).
• Let’s say that when the realtor comes over to list the house for sale, the realtor tells you that comparable houses in the area are selling for about $270,000.00, and that you should probably list your house for $279,000.00.
• “Oh, I see,” you say to the realtor.  And then you think about your $350,000.00 mortgage balance and ask, “Well, how will we pay-off the $350,000.00 on the mortgage if we only get $270,000.00 from the house sale?”
• Then your realtor says, “With a Short Sale of course.”
• With a Short Sale, your mortgage company agrees to accept less money than you owe on the remaining principal balance of the mortgage, and the mortgage company FORGIVES and does NOT come after you for the remaining monies due.
• Without a Short Sale, you would be forced to bring the remaining monies due to the house sale closing (because no buyer is going to close on a house that still has a mortgage lien that is not FULLY satisfied).
• Thus, the term “SHORT” – as in, you will be “Short” on the money that you owe to your mortgage company, and “Short” as in your mortgage company will accept your final pay-off amount despite it being “Short” several thousands of dollars, and “SALE” as in you are able to “sell” your house despite not being able to pay-off the full amount due on the mortgage principal.

When I explained that, of course a Short Sale would be negatively reflected on the parties’ credit reports, the divorce attorney flipped out.  The attorney then thought that the better course of action was simply not to list the house for sale.

Oh, right, let’s allow the house to go into foreclosure instead of selling the house in a short sale.  Now why didn’t I think of that?

Do yourself a favor and get an attorney that understands money – in fact, quiz ‘em!  Otherwise, you might just pay for the privilege of your divorce attorney unraveling any good that might have a chance of coming out of your divorce.

 

4 More Common Divorce Rookie Mistakes

So, you’ve mastered the Top 3 Common Divorce Rookie Mistakes!  Great!

On to the next 4 more divorce rookie mistakes.  Ready?  Here we go -

4.  Divorce Rookies often focus their attention on what their future-ex-spouse is doing (0r wants).  Newsflash:  What your future-ex-spouse is doing, thinking, saying, is (usually) pretty irrelevant.  As in, “Yeah, but he says I’ll never see a dime from the house.”  “You wouldn’t believe what she did – and in front of the kids too!”  Remember, ask yourself, does it have to do with the final disposition of the alimony or assets/debts?  If not, it’s probably irrelevant and ranting to your attorney for 30 minutes (i.e. spending $200), and then having your attorney send a 3 page letter about it for $400, might be a real waste of your time and money.

5.  Divorce rookies can say what they DON’T want much easier than what they DO want.  The sooner you can get past, “I don’t want my spouse to be rewarded for stealing the family trust and money,” or “I don’t want to hurt my spouse,” or “I don’t want to lose the house,” – then the sooner you’ll be able to focus on what you DO want.  Once you can say what you DO want, then you have a picture of a goal to aim for.  Without the target, you can’t make a gameplan.

6.  Divorce rookies refuse to insert stress-busters into their lives (and the lives of their children).  Divorce is stressful.  So were the years of discord leading up to the divorce.  So, what you have in the average divorcing home is lots of stress, and very little laughter.  The stress isn’t going to go away, but the laughter and playing can increase – despite your spouse’s temper tantrums.

7.  Divorce rookies say “I know this, BUT.”  As in, “BUT I’m still upset and I want to continue this litigation until I get what will make me feel better.”  A client told me this the other day: “Let me just say this for the 100th time because I just have to hold on to this – even though you told me a long time ago that it’s irrelevant to the whole division of the money thing.”  This is a GREAT client!  Why?  Because he had been listening!  He knew that
even though he still had strong emotions about the damage that occurred during the marriage, he wasn’t going to let those emotions cause him to run up a huge attorney fee just for the sake of indulging in those emotions.

There you go.  Now you have all of the Top 7 Common Divorce Rookie Mistakes – so you can learn from the mistakes of others instead of making them all on your own.

 

3 Common Divorce Rookie Mistakes

Are you an expert at getting divorced?  I mean, do you go through a divorce often?

Those questions sound silly, I know, but nonetheless, many people believe they can walk through the divorce process without anything other than their parents’ and friends’ advice and a divorce lawyer.

Well, you CAN walk through a divorce that way – but it’ll likely be more painful, more expensive and more exasperating than it needs to be!

So, if you’ve never been through a divorce before, here’s a heads-up to a few divorce rookie mistakes:

1.  Divorce Rookies ask, “Why?” often.  Want to learn more about why this is an unconstructive and expensive word?  Read “What One Word Can Save You Thousands of Dollars in Divorce Attorney Fees.”

2.  Divorce Rookies cling to the hope that the divorce court will solve the big problem that drove them crazy during the marriage.  For example, if you spouse is a lazy slug, the court isn’t going to do anything that’ll change that.  In fact, the divorce court system is wonderful at “rewarding” immoral, irresponsible and slothful behavior.  Go figure.  The only thing that the divorce court is going to do (other than determine custody of the children), is to divide up the money – the income and the assets/debts.  That’s it.  That is ALL they care about.

3.  Divorce Rookies fight for a settlement agreement that matches their idea of “FAIR” rather than a settlement that is in line with the Court’s case law.  It isn’t fair that your spouse was a fall-down suicidal alcoholic who did (almost) nothing to earn a living or raise the children, and then after 20 years of that insanity, got sober, found several lovers and decided to leave you.  However, since you are by far the responsible breadwinner, you’re still probably going to pay alimony.  Is it fair?  Absolutely not.  Is it in line with the case law?  Probably.  You can spend your money going through the divorce process so that you have more time to accept this reality, or you can save your money and get your divorce agreement in line with what the judge will likely order at a trial.

These are just a few.

Did you see yourself in these top 3?  If so, rest easy – you’re normal.  But, be assured, there’s hope.  Now you have an awareness that few other divorce rookies have.  And, you’re well on your way through the learning curve.

Want to learn about more Divorce Rookie mistakes to be on the look-out for?  Stop by in a couple of days, they’ll be here.

Want to advance through the Divorce Rookie learning curve even faster?  Then get my ebook, “Divorce Shark Bait:  What Every Divorce Rookie Needs to Know.”

 

If you are going through Hell, keep going! (and take a therapist with you)

Well, that’s what Winston Churchill said.  I’d say that this quote applies to many people’s divorce experience.  So, with apologies to Prime Minister Churchill, we’ll edit it:

“If you are going through Divorce Hell, keep going!”

Yeah, but how do you “keep going?”  Ahhh, now that’s the million dollar question!  I’ve found that the most effective and efficient way to “keep going” through your divorce hell is to SEE A THERAPIST.  Preferable weekly.

“Oh my,” you say, “that will be soooo expensive!”  I have news for you – you’re about to spend a lot more than you can afford on your divorce attorney.  And, second news shocker:  your divorce attorney charges A LOT MORE than your therapist.  And, the last piece of breaking news is: lots of what you will want to talk to your attorney about is probably less legal and more emotional than you might think.

Let me give you an example:

A client calls his attorney Monday morning, “I just can’t believe it!  She had the audacity – the audacity I tell you – to come home at 3:00 in the morning, blast the tv, make a racket in the kitchen, leave it a mess, and leave it for me to clean up before I left for work this morning!.  I just can’t take it anymore.  You’ve gotta do something to make her stop treating me like her own personal doormat.” 

Sound familiar?  Almost every divorce has a version of this scene.  The thing is, the Courts do not care about this stuff.  What do the Courts care about?  (repeat again with me) DIVIDING UP ASSETS, DEBTS AND INCOME.  That’s it.  How one of you “treats” the other, (short of “domestic violence”) they could really care less about – UNLESS someone wants to spend tens of thousands of dollars bringing motion after motion trying to convince the judge just how mean the other person is being.  Now, I don’t recommend that my clients waste their money bringing THOSE sort of motions.  But, to each his own.

ON THE OTHER HAND, you have a real, valid grievance.  AND it needs to get aired!!!  Why?  Because, if you don’t air it out with your divorce attorney, and you don’t discuss it with a therapist, then that anger, resentment and hurt is going to come up and grab you when you least expect it and it’ll cause you to make bad decisions – especially in the area of the divorce decisions.  SO, yes, you have to deal with these issues.  And, the most effective, and fortunately less expensive way to do this is . . . with your therapist.  Now, see, isn’t that GOOD NEWS?!

 

Dog abandoned in dog park = dog-gone divorce

True story: Woman doesn’t like the family dog.  So, she takes the dog to a dog park and leaves it there, then goes home and tells her husband that the dog ran away.

But, there’s only problem – she forgot to take off the dog’s collar – which of course, had it’s tags on it.  So, husband gets a phone call that we’ve “found your dog” at the dog park.

Oh yeah.  It happened.  Husband then calls a divorce attorney.  Yep, a dog-gone divorce! 

Regardless of the marital issues here (trust, deception, pet abuse, etc.) , let’s think about this:

Question:  Who is more likely to become divorce shark bait in this scenario?

Answer:  The Husband.

Why? Because the Husband is emotional.  Unbridled emotions are like a run-away freight train that have the divorce locked up in one of its cargo cars. 

So, how might the Husband unwittingly waste money on attorney fees?

1. File a divorce motion about Wife not being able to do anything with the dog.  It sounds like it should make sense, but think about it.  The Wife is going to deny abandoning the dog.  Wife is going to say “Thank God the dog went to the dog park and was found!”  And, y’know what, the divorce judge is really likely to believe her.  Really, divorce judges have a really difficult time believing that the innocent looking woman (on the verge of tears) in front of them is capable of evil deeds.  [Men on the other hand, often project frustration and anger, thus incurring the presumption in the judge that they must be The Destructive Ones.]  The judge will enter an order that says something like, “Neither party will be neglectful of the dog, nor will either party do anything to intentionally, directly or indirectly, bring harm to the dog.” 

It sounds logical.  Its sounds just.  It sounds equal.  But it doesn’t do what the Husband WANTED the judge to do – that is, hold the Wife accountable!  The Husband hasn’t even begun to think through what that would look like.  All he knows is that what she did is wrong, and that the judge should do something about it because the Court is where Justice is served. 

Oh yeah, that kind of thinking will definitely make you divorce shark bait – lots of unnecessary time and money spent – and unfortunately, it’ll be more because of your own blindness to your unbridled emotions than anything else.

2.  Vent to attorney & have attorney write a letter to Opposing Counsel.  Of course, why shouldn’t that happen?  I mean, after all, it’s cheaper than a motion, right?  Let’s make a record of the Wife’s reckless disregard of the dog’s safety (at best), or the Wife’s evil act (at worst).  Let’s make sure we put her on notice to cease and desist.  And, let’s cite some cases, while we’re at it, of incidents where one spouse has had to pay for another spouse’s attorney fees, or damages compensation, etc.  And, since we’re writing a letter, let’s add in there the other annoying things that Wife’s been doing lately to sabotage the Husband’s life.  Okay, now we’re talking.

1 hour for the venting phone call

1 – 2 hours for the letter

Then, we get the reply letter.  Oh yes, the Wife acknowledges that the dog ran away, but how dare the Husband accuse the Wife of sabotage when SHE has been the only one for the last 5 years to feed, water, walk and pet the dog.  In fact, it was the HUSBAND who would abuse the wife and children by coming home every day and kicking and tormenting the dog in front of them and saying they would be next if they didn’t shape up and fulfill his every demand.

And then, when questioned, the Husband will say that the Wife has made all of this up to protect herself (which is probably true).  And, when further pressed, the Husband will admit that there is one grain of truth in the Wife’s letter, i.e. that he never cared much for the dog – but he never abused it, etc.  The Wife wanted it, it was agreed it was her responsibility, and she was just lazy and never liked taking care of it, and they had talked about giving it away – but that it was her lying and deception that were the real problem – because THAT’S what had caused the divorce.  The dog wasn’t the issue – the Deception was!

See where this is going?  Nowhere good.  And, nowhere fast.  It’s never as simple as “let’s just tell them to stop it and then we can all move on in a civil manner.”

And, see where the divorce attorney fees are going?  $10,000 out the window over a dog-gone motion, with no good resolution to it, and we haven’t solved one ultimate issue of the final divorce settlement agreement. 

If you think you might want 99 more ways to save money on divorce attorney fees, read the divorce ebook – “Shark Bait: What Every Divorce Rookie Needs to Know.”

 

Divorce Attorney Fees: Burning Money – Part 2

How Did I Save my client $7,000 – $10,000 in divorce attorney fees?

Well, when she called and told me that I had to do something because her husband wouldn’t pay for the son’s soccer registration fee, and that she had to put the dog’s veterinarian office visit fee onto the credit card, and that her husband wouldn’t give her a copy of the mortgage statement, I had her come into the office so I could talk to her eyeball-to-eyeball.

You can spend $20,000.00 or $50,000.00 or $80,000.00 on divorce attorney fees on the TEMPORARY issues that you face during the divorce process – or you can focus your attention and your MONEY on the final divorce agreement.  I’ll get absolutely rich by keeping you agitated about every thing that your future ex-spouse does that annoys you, hurts you, angers you, and falsely accuses you.  But, even though I’ll make more money that way, and you may – or may not – feel better temporarily, it will not (generally) change the result of the ultimate final agreement (or trial).

Are there some circumstances when temporary problems really do warrant a motion (or even an emergent motion also known as an “Order to Show Cause”), and really do warrant the expenditure of thousands of dollars for that one motion? Absolutely.  It’s just not near as often as you might think.

Similarly, are there circumstances when a lengthy letter is appropriate?  Sure.  But, again, probably not as often as you’d think.

Remember:  Solving temporary problems (ones that arise during or because of the divorce process) usually has nothing to do with solving the terms of the divorce agreement.

So, the lesson?  Focusing on the strategy and goal of the divorce agreement saves YOU time and money.

By the way, what happened with my divorce client?  Well $40 in soccer registration fees wasn’t worth a $6,000.00 motion.  The vet bill on the credit card?  Well, that credit card will get divided up equally in the final agreement.  And the mortgage statement?  If my client’s name isn’t on the mortgage, then I’ll get it in discovery.  If her name is on it, then she can call the mortgage company herself.  I might need to call opposing counsel (i.e. the husband’s divorce attorney) or write a quick letter to him to get the password information, but that’s a small expense compared to a $6,000.00 motion.

[names/gender/details have been changed to protect client identity and attorney-client privilege]