In NJ, the marital residence is “OURS” – when it comes to arguing about possession of the house, and generally, when it comes to arguing over the house’s value too, regardless of whose name is on the Deed.
Don’t let anyone lock you out of your house – especially if you have children. Your spouse doesn’t have a right to lock you out. Go to the Police Department and have them escort you to your house. Tell them that it’s the marital home, that you’re going through a separation or divorce, and that there’s NO Court Order keeping you out of the house. Have them explain to your spouse that you’re allowed to live there too!
Now, are there times when it IS in your best interests to leave or to stay out of the house? ABSOLUTELY! For example, if you are going to get back into your house just so that your spouse will lie and file false domestic violence allegations against you, then it might be wise to consider all of your options. That’s just one example. There are lots of other times. I advise my clients on how they should handle difficult living situations all the time.
But, I’m not writing this blog post for those other times, I’m writing this for all of those people who show up to their home and find the doors locked, and have no money, no stuff, no access to their children and think about going to stay with far-away relatives. They think that way because they don’t realize that they can go to the Police and demand that they be let back in to their home.
Why do they not realize this right and this resource? Usually, because their spouse has behaved in such a way that they actually believe their spouse when he/she says “Get Out!” They have little self-confidence and little confrontation skills. They have been responding the same way throughout the marriage and they’re not going to change now. They’re intimidated and overwhelmed.
I saw this happen in another case at court recently. One of the parties was trying desperately to get the judge to tell them what to do, but of course, the judge couldn’t give out legal advice, and the judge was there to decide a completely different issue, and thus, could not address the issue of who gets possession of the house. Now, THAT would have been a PERFECT opportunity for the judge to PONTIFICATE in a general way (which they often do) about how the marital home is open to both parties (if there’s no court order saying differently). But, did the judge do that? Heck no. Didn’t occur to him.
As it happens so often, some of the biggest problems in a divorce are really related to an error in perception, judgment, self-confidence, human dynamics – and very little to do with the law. Put a different spouse (say, me) in that crying person’s shoes, and that different spouse would have had the Police at the house in less than 3 minutes. But then again, the offending spouse would have never tried to lockout someone with that self-confidence.
So, your lesson here – Get self-confidence and practice it (without getting obnoxiously prideful). Start making decisions from a centered, grounded place, rather than from the emotion-of-the-day. Especially be on the look out for making decisions while experiencing a feeling that you often experienced during a dysfunctional dynamic of the marriage. That’s a big red flag that you’re not thinking straight – and that you’re on the verge of a Really Bad Decision.
