I find that about 90% to 95% of (domestic violence) Temporary Restraining Orders (as they’re called in NJ) are really about either (a) one spouse not knowing how to respond differently to the other spouse’s angry or controlling nature, or (b) one spouse intentionally or unintentionally wanting to take control of the divorce, the house and/or the children.  Unfortunately, this large portion of the population detract from the real domestic violence cases.

However, about 5% to 10% of the cases are about true domestic violence.  True domestic violence is often physical, but sometimes, it is simply the result of untreated mental illness that has caused the others in the home to become so debilitated, so helpless, so ridiculed, that the mental illness has complete and destructive control over the home and everyone in it.  Abusive mentally ill people are often extremely manipulative, controlling and scary.

Sometimes, because judges are so inundated with the emotional issues and divorce strategies of the 90% of restraining orders, they have trouble recognizing the real thing when they see it.  If you are being physically assaulted or have been living under abuse and manipulation as a result of your spouse’s mental illness, and you’ve asked for a restraining order but it was denied, get an attorney to help you. 

I just helped someone with this.  She would’ve crumbled within the first ten minutes of the court clerk’s intake process.  There was alot of information to convey and it needed to be explained in a succinct, coherent way.  You’ll quickly find that living with a manipulative, scary mentally ill person for 10 years will turn your brain into a rambling mush.  Thus, the attorney can talk to the court in a way that personnel and the judge is expecting.

Be especially careful of people getting divorced who don’t believe that they have anything left to live for.  This can happen at the beginning of a divorce, but more often, it happens at the end.  For instance, what does a mentally ill person do when faced with the reality of having his/her mental illness and dark secrets exposed? and the need for treatment for a mental illness that he/she is in denial about?  and the burden of a court-order that requires that treatment in order to be with the children in any real way?  Well, they’ll often lash out.  And, after that, they can and have done what others have done when they feel that there’s no way out and nothing left to live for.  When a person gets to that place, he/she is very dangerous.

If this describes your spouse, get help and get it now.  No, you won’t be able to talk them into calming down.  (Remember, that never worked in the past and it’s definitely not going to work now.)  No, you won’t be able to convince them to be reasonable.  And, no, you won’t be able to stop them from doing something stupid or dangerous. 

But, you can take actions to help protect yourself and the children.  That action is NOT trying to talk to your spouse more, or getting into an argument with your mentally ill spouse.  Your needed action is for you to talk to a divorce attorney and get an attorney’s help, if you need it, to get a restraining order.  If your mentally ill spouse becomes open to getting help and working out a solution, that can always happen later, while you have certain protections in place.

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